Tonight I am convinced once more that I love my universe and I care for it even more than I know. As with the saying “what you put in is what you get out” today I had a beautiful, direct experience of my path refining me and me confining to my path, helping me see how much love and care is really invested in it.
My playground now is a yoga mat, a massage table, the grass in Hyde park, random encounters with soul mates, pages of my journal, my art book, philosophical conversations and dancing to the music of my incantations of what my heart desires. I listen to my heart songs every second, minute and hour of the day, whenever I wish. I love feeling my love-being and I love that I give myself permission to be a love-being.
So what happened to me earlier today?!! Why did I revert to my “drop of the ocean” / “limited” / “ego” / “human” mentality? Why did I doubt myself? Why did I feel vulnerable when he shared his thoughts of uncertainty about meeting me? Why did I attach an emotion to his personal thoughts? Why did I see his action to be a reflection of me? We have been connected for 10 years now. Though our relationship is not conventional we have a strong connection. Our feelings appear to be the same however the storyline above our feelings appear to be interpreted differently.
The truth of the matter is – The interpretations of the story differentiate due to our life paths / playgrounds being different. He leads with his empiricist view and I with my idealist’s. He is bringing his experiences to think of himself being at risk and I am thinking of re-familiarising to have the right outlook. It has been 2 and a-half years since we last met. We have a strong connection, strong enough to have developed the ability to feel each other’s pain even in the absence of one another.
The repeating thought on my mind today was –Why is he uncertain? What can I write back to his email that will make him feel certain? What else could his email mean? How can I heal him? What will it take for him to just not bring the past into our present? I got a sudden headache, ate and moped around and gradually slid down a prison like black hole of variations of the same answers... oh! Physically I was feeling my neck stiffen, head temples building tension and heart sinking out and down toward my stomach... so yucky!
Then soon enough, the stress got so unbearable that I found myself on the yoga mat. My favourite playground. I have now regained consciousness. I know now that the answer I am looking for is looking for me. In other words I don’t need to do anything he will find his answers and let me know because these questions are not mine to answer. Yoga saved me once again. In being present my energy returned back into my body, and I was able to smile again.
I started writing and drifted into reading some emails and messages waiting to find me as if till now, right at this moment when clarity had just hit me. I noticed the content of conversation that came my way, the food that I was eating then, the books that I was about to put away and most happy-fying moment was when I found another goddess was found by the Goddess awareness movement “I am a Goddess” on facebook. I felt my universe signalling loud and clear to me- all that my energy is made up of today. What makes me whole and what I was giving my energy to was causing me dis-ease. There is no need to question my love-being at all or seek any answers outside of me and my path.
Love-beings – are love, they don’t need to seek love from anything external, because that is conditional love; unlike true, pure unconditional love that a love-being creates their universe with.